I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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