i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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