I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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