So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
