I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
