sarcasm needs its own font
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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