and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I can't turn off my feet"
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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