turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
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