I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
