I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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