He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
