i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
