i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
