Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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