I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
