Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
