My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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