I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
