Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
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gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
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I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
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