I feel great
I just peed on a car
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
19 Utterly Perfect Responses To ‘Send Nudes’ Texts
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.