Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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