I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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