No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
