So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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