i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
