Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You made out with two different species that night
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
