I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
