i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
