I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
