Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
