the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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