btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
