happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
