There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They have beer where we have blood.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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