How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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