so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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