Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize