I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
