That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
