made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
