You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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