I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
