So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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