My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
