Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
