Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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