I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
