if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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