Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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