I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
