I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
