So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
