A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
