At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
