In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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